Was It Wrong To Go Along With Insanity?
by xXxElectraxXx
Summary: An anti-Valentine's Day fic. Severus has been in love with Harry Potter for years, despite his relaltionship with Ginny Weasley. When convinced to reveal this to the man-who-lived, a series of confusing events commences but how will they all end? WARNING: SLASH and infedelity. HPxSS.
1. Why Does It Feel Like It's Raining?

Was It Wrong To Go Along With Insanity?

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and many of the places mentioned in this story. The plot is the only thing created by me.**

An anti-Valentine's Day one-shot showing the complications of love. Hope you all enjoy. :)

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**Part 1:- Why Does It Feel Like It's Raining?**

**Severus**

February had come around faster this year. It always crept up on him before he expected but this year, it had practically rammed itself down his throat in an attempt to choke him on clichéd words, cards and stuffed bears. The majority of his customers at the shop were females searching for potions to make their husbands last longer in bed and some of them even requested something to trick their partners into proposals. Of course the men wouldn't come in until the 13th or some of them the 14th even, spluttering about not knowing what to get their wives. Not having a clue, they often asked him what he would be getting for his wife he would be getting for his wife in the hope of some ideas; though he had never married. Never had the reason; never had the need. There was no thought more unbearable than attaching himself to a woman by paper, not even to quash any rumours that may or may not have circulated.

Severus Snape was perfectly content on his own. That's if the meaning of content was depressed, lonely and no hope for any form of happy ending. But he didn't care about that. He wasn't overly bothered about anything at all in fact: there was simply no point. He fully intended to carry on with his pitiful existence until the fated day that the life would drain from him and his misery would fade into nothing, along with his body. Many people may think that with these thoughts constantly flowing through his mind that Severus was suicidal but that was far from the point. He had never seen the point in such melodrama; there was a lack of point in his life so why should there be any more or less in his death?

"Excuse me, do you have anything that would make me more attractive?"

Severus looked up at the woman and immediately pitied her: she was a middle-aged slightly plain looking creature with a worried expression on her face. If it weren't his own business and profits, he'd tell her to carry on with her day and leave him alone. If he weren't such a non-compassionate being, he would tell her that she was attractive enough as she was.

"I have several things" was his actual response, "What were you looking for in particular?"

"Well I was thinking just for Valentine's Day, you know but if it goes well then I suppose I could look into something more regularly." She looked awkward and Severus didn't blame her: she must have swallowed any last strain of pride that she contained to admit something so ridiculous.

"I think I have what you are looking for but there is one potion for more of a one-off situation and one for regular consumption. Would you like to try the first one for the day and come back to me if you are interested in taking one more often?" he answered dryly.

"Erm- I don't really know. It was just to entice my husband for Valentine's Day but I might need it for longer than that. He's having an affair, you see. He thinks I don't know but I'm not stupid. I just want him to look at me and no one else like he used to before. I was hoping that if I surprised him for Valentine's Day then he might stay with me and forget about her but maybe I need to take it all the time. I just don't know." The witch had given Severus far more information than he could ever want or ever need but he had to admit that some part of him felt for her. Men really were bastards.

"That depends on what you think would be best. I do have a potion of my own invention that would solve your problem but it is not similar to those that you are asking for."

"What is it? It doesn't matter as long as it works. I can't cope with the humiliation any longer."

"It's a true-to-me potion. You will need to get him to drink it and he will feel the overwhelming compulsion to remain faithful to you."

"That sounds perfect. I could tell him it's for something else I suppose and get him to drink it. How much is it?"

"As I said, it's a potion of my own invention so you won't find it anywhere else. It's very rare but very expensive. It's 30 galleons."

"I don't care how much it is if it will save my marriage. Thank you!" She handed over the money without a second thought and Severus wondered to himself how low her self-esteem must be to purchase that potion, especially for such a price. He gave her the potion and received a gleeful smile in return before the woman scurried off in Diagon Alley to buy her treacherous partner a card and presents.

Had it been any of his business, Severus would have told the woman that she shouldn't bother to try and save a marriage with such a selfish and idiotic man but that was business. It was unbelievable what some people came to buy potions for but he wasn't there to tell them not to purchase them; that would be bad business.

That sale had taken place on the 1st of the month: the woman had clearly seen the word February and decided that she needed to do something. The desperation of it all made Severus sick. The next two weeks continued in the same sort of way: attraction potions, love potions, enhancement potions, stamina potions and many more than that. If he wasn't making so much money, he would most definitely choose to take February off and ignore the very existence of relationships all together.

Before Severus knew it, the 10th of February had passed and he only had another four days left to endure the mention of love-related potions. He had tried to palm these customers off on his assistant, who was doing an apprenticeship in Potions. Nathaniel had graduated from Hogwarts in July and was now preparing for his degree; he had taken the job in the shop in the hope that he would learn things from Severus, who despite his Death Eater past was still the most valued Potions Master in Britain. Sadly, the buyers of these potions often wanted to know the specifics of the potions and so had asked to speak to Severus personally, leaving Nathaniel to sell the anti-flu potions after the snow downpours. The lonely man pushed the potions and Nathaniel out of his mind and tried to force himself to sleep; he would take a potion, though he had done that the previous night and had to be careful about how often he took them.

February 11th came around and so did the male customers. He was really starting to tire of it all now; what was the point in celebrating your love for one day? Surely if you loved someone, you should love them all year around and not just today? He didn't know he supposed; relationships had never been his forte. Severus had always ended things before that word was even spoken and more often than not, the person was kicked out after only one night together. He didn't need to be with someone just to stop being lonely. If Severus was ever going to be with anyone, it would be for nothing less than genuine love and that hadn't come by since…

"Excuse me?"

"Yes?"

"Could you direct me to something that might help me out- size wise?" the young man blushed under Severus' stare, not realised that he had had many of the same requests that very day. He wasn't in the slightest concerned about the size of the man's penis or the fact that it was inadequate to him; he just wanted to make a sale. He kindly pointed him in the direction of the most successful potion of that type.

"This one would be most useful to you I believe. You will need to take a drop on your tongue for each inch that you need. As I'm sure you're aware, it is not permanent. The effects of this particular brew will last for twenty four hours but you will need to take it again the next day if you wish" he explained, unfathomed.

"Is there nothing more permanent that you have? I mean, this is great for now but what if I wanted it to last longer?" The man couldn't have been any more embarrassed if he had tried now.

"I'm afraid that if you wanted to make permanent changes to your body, you would need to consult a healer for readjustment surgery. Potions can only affect the body for the time that they are contained within it."

"Right, ok then. I'll take this then."

Severus nodded and charged the man for his purchase. When he left, he looked hastily around, almost as if passers-by would have known the reason for his visit to the potions shop.

"Any plans for Valentine's Day Mr Snape?" Nathaniel questioned brightly.

"Yes. I plan to work Nathaniel. What else would I be doing?" he snarled.

"Sorry sir. I was just wondering is all." Nathaniel seemed put out and Severus felt bad. He had become good friends with the man during his time there and he hadn't meant to sound so harsh.

"I apologise. It is just not something that I celebrate."

"Did someone hurt you?" he inquired timidly.

"Not intentionally." How far was this conversation going to go? He didn't really want to get into it.

"But there was someone?"

"There was…" he paused, "there is. But it can't ever happen."

"Why not? Haven't you said anything?"

"No I haven't and I won't. They are spoken for and will remain that way I believe."

"But don't you think that you should say something? What if this person they are with is the wrong one and you are the right one?"

"I am not the right one for anyone Nathaniel. I appreciate what you are trying to do but I am happy as I am thank you. Do you have any plans with your girlfriend?" he changed the subject swiftly, not willing to discuss the situation any more. He was an idiot for falling for the wrong person and he didn't need anyone else telling him so.

"Yes I'm just going to cook her dinner. I don't like making a big deal out of it but she likes to celebrate so we are doing something low-key as a compromise."

They continued their sales for the day and then closed up the shop together, not really speaking a great amount, as they were both tired from the long day. Severus completed his cash up, giving Nathaniel his share for the day, allowing him to leave.

"Thanks Mr Snape. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thank you for your help Nathaniel." The younger man walked out of the door but stopped midway, turning back to face Severus with a small frown on his face.

"You're wrong by the way sir. You are the right one for someone. You need to remember that." He left the shop before Severus could say anything in response and the older man laughed bitterly at the thought of anyone wanting to be with him.

The 12th and 13th of the month were very much the same as the previous few days, though a few people seeming more stressed out than before about what to get their partners. Severus allowed Nathaniel to advise them on gifts but refused to give his own opinion to anyone that asked. With the next day being his most hated of the entire year, the man was significantly more irritable and as much as he tried not to show it to his customers, he was aware that he was slightly unsuccessful in some cases. It didn't bother him much though; they weren't his regular customers and he was careful to treat those ones with respect, not wanting to lose business.

Eventually, the day came to an end and the two men closed up in silence, Severus handing Nathaniel his earnings for the day. Before the other man could leave, someone walked into the shop.

"I'm sorry sir, we're closed" Nathaniel apologised.

"Please I need help. Snape can you help me?" the voice was familiar and desperate. Severus' head snapped up to the sound; his stomach sank.

"Potter? What do you want?"

"I really need your help."

"We're closed" he answered firmly.

"Please Snape. It's important." Severus kept his expression firm and prepared himself to respond, not knowing himself what that response was going to be. Nathaniel glanced at Severus, then at Harry and left without another word.

"What is it Potter?" The two war heroes had vaguely remained in contact since Voldemort's downfall but no one would have called them close. They had been out for a drink a few times but it was often awkward, mainly on Severus' part to be fair to Harry. If necessary though, he would always help Potter out if he could and not just because…

"This is a bit embarrassing…"

"Spit it out Potter. I've heard this all day and I was about to go home." He hadn't meant to be harsh of course but that was the effect that this man had on him. His usual defence mechanisms multiplied, his frustration rose and his snide comments came back in full-form.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come. I didn't mean to disturb you. I thought you'd help." Harry went to leave the shop, causing Severus to call him back.

"Well you're here now so I might as well help you out. What do you need?"

"A few things and I can't seem to get organised in my head what to get when. From here though, I suppose I just need- well I don't really know what to call it."

"What is it for?"

"I can't tell you that."

"For Merlin's sake Potter! How do you expect me to help you if you can't tell me what the blasted problem is? What do you need?"

"I need an erection, ok?" he blurted out.

"And you've come to me for once of those?" he smirked.

"Well, no…yes. I…you know what I mean!" he stammered, "I need to be able to get one for Ginny." It hurt him to even hear her name- she was the one person that he had managed to avoid since the war ended. Everyone else had contacted him in some way or other but she wasn't the slightest bit bothered about talking to him and he didn't want to talk to her at all and Potter expected him to listen to the problems in their sex life? It killed him inside knowing that she was…

"Snape, are you fucking listening to me?"

"Yes Potter, I am. I was just waiting for the punch-line or am I actually to believe that the saviour of the Wizarding World cannot fulfil his duties as a man?"

"Don't be like this Snape. I came to you for help. Of course I can get it up but just not for her!" He hadn't meant for it to come out like that. No doubt Snape was finding the situation very amusing and would soon laugh in his face. He didn't. Severus was very intrigued by Harry's confession and wanted to know more without sounded interested.

"And why is it a problem for her? Been playing the field too much?"

"No I haven't been with anyone else. It didn't used to be a problem but I'm starting to realise some things and it's causing issues. Look, can you just sell me the potion?"

"I'm sorry Potter but it is my duty to know the intentions behind every sale" he lied. "Surely you don't think I am actually interested in your love life?"

"Well, no" he admitted. "Ok, so I need a potion to get it up because I have to propose and afterwards, she'll be expecting to have sex. Surely you don't need to know more than that?"

Severus felt like he'd been hit by the world's largest giant: Potter was getting engaged? It had been expected of course but he didn't seem to even want to do it. How could Severus let him get engaged when he didn't even want to? He should stop him, shouldn't he? No, he couldn't. Because then he might realise that…

"Forget it Snape. My money obviously isn't worth as much as my misery to you. Thanks for nothing."

Severus handed him the appropriate potion and said nothing.

"Thanks. How much?"

"Consider it an engagement present" he said coldly.

"Thank you Snape." Potter stared at him briefly and curiously before leaving.

As soon as the door closed to its hinges, curses flew around the shop, smashing any potions bottle or vial that it touched and smothering Severus with fumes. He didn't care; he didn't even choke. Breaking anything in sight was the only thing that made sense to him right now, besides murdering the Weasley girl for…

"Mr Snape! What are you doing? Stop!" Severus ignored him and instead threw a curse in his direction. Nathaniel ducked.

"Expelliarmus!" he cried, reaching forward to catch Severus' wand as it left his hand. The older wizard fell to the floor, expressionless but far from emotionless.

"Mr Snape, what happened? What's wrong?" He kept his distance from the man, not sure how to deal with him when he was so upset.

"I'm fine. Just leave."

"I'm not leaving you sir. I'm your friend and I want to help."

"There's nothing you can do."

"I can help you clear up this mess for a start."

"Fine. Help clear up and then leave."

"You didn't tell him, did you?" he said knowingly.

"Tell what to whom?" he asked flabbergasted.

"You didn't tell him that you love him, did you?" Nathaniel admired his own bravery slightly and prepared himself to be shouted at.

"Who the devil are you talking about Nathaniel?"

"Harry Potter. I told you to tell him and you didn't."

"What on Earth would make you think that I could feel anything for the saviour of the planet?" he spat in anger but he wasn't angry at Nathaniel; he was angry at himself. Feeling braver still, Nathaniel sat himself next to his boss but was careful not to look at him; he knew that Severus wouldn't take kindly to eye contact at this conversation.

"None of that matters Mr Snape. What was he here for?"

"Sexual stimulant."

"Oh…I can see why you're upset…"

"I AM NOT UPSET!"

"Ok, sorry, my mistake."

Severus sighed at himself; his pathetic attempts at lying and the pure fact that he had become what he loathed the most: a heart-broken old fool.

"He's proposing. He needs the potion for after."

"I'm sorry that he's getting engaged."

"It's fine."

"Did he tell you why he needed the potion?"

"Said he couldn't get it up for her. Said he has realised some things and now there are problems."

"Didn't you think to ask more?"

"I don't care."

"Mr Snape, you care more about things than you let on, especially him. He could be making a big mistake with this engagement and you're just going to let him?"

"It's not my business."

"No but you want it to be. Leave me to clear this up and you go find him. Go to his house and speak to him."

"No."

Nathaniel stood up, towering over Severus.

"Look, if you don't go right now, I'm not going to work tomorrow and I'm going to leave you here on your own to deal with all the Valentine's Day crap." Severus hesitated, not knowing what to say in response. Nathaniel was a good man and he knew that he was trying to help him. Perhaps he should humour him.

"Ok. I'll go." He stood up and composed himself.

"Thank you sir."

"Thank you Nathaniel."

"That's what I'm here for sir." Severus walked to the door and went to leave.

"And Nathaniel?"

"Yes Mr Snape."

"If you tell anyone anything about this, I will make sure you can't ever speak again."

"Yes sir" he laughed as he beckoned the man out of the door. Severus couldn't remember anyone ever laughing at one of his threats but he took it as a good sign and left for Harry's house.

It was bitter and cold. Severus didn't know if he was thinking about the weather or himself but either way, the description fit perfectly. He sat on a bench not far from Harry's home in the quietest muggle part of London. The last he heard, his slag of a girlfriend hadn't moved in yet and was still living with the rest of the family. He watched him through the bedroom window, opening and closing a small box repeatedly: the engagement ring. Severus contemplated apparating inside and throwing the damn thing out of the window but it just wasn't his style. None of it was really. He made it to the doorstep, his legs threatening to give way from the nerves and the cold combined. He wasn't young anymore. He had reached the depressing age of 41. Being 39 had felt much younger, knowing that he was still under the benchmark of 40. Once he turned 40, he was only just old and it was bearable but now, he was in the over 40 category, a perverted old man in love with his 20 year old ex-student.

He fled. He ran as fast as his old, crippling legs would take him before Potter saw him there, with his heart on his sleeve, ready to burst into nothing at the rejection. It wasn't worth it. He found a shaded and empty area and apparated away from that place, from the situation and from that man. He only wished he could apparate away from his own mind and more specifically the abundance of the man-who-lived. He went straight for the firewhiskey and swallowed his self-pity and his miserable excuse for a life. The sensation set him on fire and he sat there, on the dining room chair, holding it like a baby holds its bottle, as if his very existence depended on it. The liquid went down quickly and within half an hour, the alcohol had poisoned his system. He wasn't drunk, just intoxicated enough to feel a little bit less pain; that was enough. Severus put the rest of the bottle away in his cupboard and sighed, ready to sit himself down with a book to take him to another world.

However, before he could even get comfortable with his book in hand, there was a knock at the door and he inwardly cursed the universe for not allowing him to be miserable in peace. He got to the door, half-expecting it to be Nathaniel asking how his romantic gesture had gone. It wasn't.

"Potter?"

"Can I come in?"

"I'm sure that you're physically able, yes."

"May I come in?" he continued, unconcerned.

"I can't think of any genuine reason to refuse you" Severus responded as he allowed him access. Harry took advantage and walked into the house, sitting himself down on the sofa.

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be proposing?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know why you're here?"

"No. I know that. I don't know if I should be proposing."

"And why not?" He sat himself on the same sofa but as far away from the other man as he could manage without being too obvious about it.

"Didn't I make it clear enough in the shop?"

"Potter, I have known you for many years and not once have you ever made anything clear."

"I don't love her and I don't want to be with her but I have to."

"Why the hell would you have to be with someone Potter? You're making no sense!"

"If I ended it now, the whole family would hate me and I'm so close to them all. I can't lose an entire family and upset everyone just because I don't love someone."

"If they are family as you call them then you won't lose them."

"You think Ron will want to talk to me if I break his sister's heart?" Harry was starting to get upset and Severus had no comforting words to offer. What was he supposed to say to him? Tell him to get over himself? Tell him to leave her? Tell him to…

"What should I do Snape?"

"Do what you need to do for yourself. There is no point living a lie."

"Even if I ended it, I'd have to live a lie. This is so fucked up." Harry put his head in his hands; Severus wasn't sure if he was ashamed or hiding.

"Why would you have to live a lie if you broke up with her?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"Because I can't be what people expect me to be. I'm supposed to be this stupid fucking hero and get the girl, marry her and have kids and I don't FUCKING WANT TO!"

"Don't shout in my house Potter, there's really no need. I can hear you. I am going to ask you one last time to explain CLEARLY what you mean and if you fail, you're going to get out of my house." Severus felt bad about the way he was speaking to the man but there was not a lot else that he could do to get him to explain himself. Harry mumbled something in response to Severus.

"Would you call that clear Potter?"

"I'M GAY! You can laugh at me now! Go on, have a laugh. The saviour is bent. HA FUCKING HA!"

Severus was in shock; he had never expected such an outburst and he had most certainly not anticipated that Harry Potter might be gay. Surely he wouldn't…

"Why aren't you laughing?" His voice was calmer; the outburst had clearly been a long time coming and now he'd said it, he felt the tiniest part of the weight lift from his chest.

"Because Potter, I don't really find people's sexualities amusing and if you were actually telling some kind of twisted joke, it wasn't very funny."

Harry looked up at the man in front of him with mixed emotions: he was grateful that he hadn't laughed and that he'd listened but worried about what he might say next.

"You're right. It's not funny but I'm sure plenty of people would disagree."

"I don't mean to sound patronising but you are certain, aren't you?"

"Definite."

"Is there- someone else?" His heart stopped and he almost wished he hadn't asked; he wanted to know but could he really deal with the answer? Of course there had to be someone: people didn't just realise they were gay without an attraction to someone.

"No- well yes but not in the way you think. I haven't cheated. I just know that I have feelings for someone."

"Why are you telling me this Potter?"

"Everyone else I'm friends with is friends with Ginny too and you're the only one I can talk to."

"I can understand that. Potter…"

"Can you call me Harry?" he requested, "please?"

"Harry" it felt weird on his tongue but not in an unpleasant way, "I can't tell you what to do because only you know what is best for you but don't consider everyone else. Consider yourself and yourself only, do you understand?"

"Yes Severus. Is it ok if I call you that?"

"I don't think surnames are appropriate anymore."

"It's getting late and I've bothered you enough. I should go." Both men stood and went for the door, stopping once they had reached it. Harry opened it, stepping out into the cold of the night.

"Thank you Severus" he said genuinely, offering his hand, which Severus shook. Before he could respond, Harry had let go of his hand and entangled it in his hair, pulling him forwards and forcing his lips onto his mouth. The older man did not hold the willpower to resist and instead pulled him closer, dropping his guard and letting Harry possess his mouth. Tongues soon battled for dominance and Severus won, as he pulled Harry back inside and pushed him up against the closed door. He held on tightly to any part of the green-eyed man he could reach, not letting him go even if he wanted him to.

"So much better" Harry sighed into him. Severus smirked and dragged him back to the sofa, ripping off the buttons of his shirt as they went. They popped in all different directions in the room, hitting various objects. Severus pulled the rest of the shirt from Harry's shoulders and tore himself away from his lips to look down at the newly revealed torso. The years spent thinking about what it might look like had not prepared him for this: he had matured well for his age and it showed; his muscles were toned but not bulky and his nipples were a dirty brown. He pushed the smaller man onto the sofa and immediately began assaulting the tempting buds, earning himself some quiet moans from the man underneath him. He was soon pulled back up to be enticed into another passionate kiss, which was much less rushed. He savoured the moment. He was finally kissing Harry Potter; he found himself trying to remember his technique; his taste and above all the sensation.

Severus wanted more: he wanted to touch; to claim. As if he'd read his mind, Harry began undressing him with some assistance for the many buttons on his shirt. Severus tried to conceal his body as best as he could but it was difficult in their current position; Harry had a view of everything but he didn't seem to care about the aging skin; the scars or the other overwhelmingly ugly aspects of his body. In fact, the man kissed all over his chest and torso, releasing a moan from somewhere deep inside. Severus was careful to take time feeling every part of Harry's exposed body before deciding that he needed to see and touch more. He got off the man and pulled his trousers down effortlessly; his own soon followed. His erection threatened to embarrass him as it strained against his boxers, sensing it was close to the object of Severus' desires. The embarrassment soon disappeared once he laid eyes on Harry's own engorged cock, which was ready to burst from his underwear.

The kissing resumed, sometimes hot and heavy; other times soft and caring. There was no consistency; Severus didn't know how to act with the one that he loved; he was turned on enough to be rough but his emotions took over and made him act slowly. It was for this reason that a good five minutes passed before he even realised that the two of them were still wearing their boxers. He didn't want to just take them off like he would anyone else; he didn't want to assume that he had this power over Harry. He loved him and he wanted to do this properly.

"May I?" he asked, his voice calm despite his genuine nervousness. He held one finger underneath the trim of Harry's boxers, ready to react depending on Harry's response. Green eyes locked onto black and a nod was exchanged. Excitement pounding through him, Severus slowly pulled down the white boxers, pausing only when Harry's full length was released. He didn't bother removing the underwear altogether and instead took his opportunity; he claimed the hard cock in front of him with his mouth, taking it as far in as possible.

"FUUUCK! Severus! Oh god!" The words alone were enough to excite Severus; the moans afterwards were an added bonus. He continued giving Harry's arousal his full attention, taking in as much as possible before slowly slipping it back out again with a small pop. He did this several times before Harry's blabbering became comprehensible enough to understand that he wanted Severus to go faster. Of course he obliged. In that moment, Severus would have quite literally done anything that Harry had asked; he was grateful just to be able to be with him. He chose a faster pace but the same technique, his head bobbing up and down on Harry's cock, showing how much more pleasurable it could be with him rather than her.

"Stop! Please! Stop!" Severus pulled off immediately, worried that he was doing something wrong.

"I want to see you. Please." A trademark smirk in place, Severus removed the offensive piece of clothing preventing Harry from seeing him fully. Once the boxers reached the floor, Severus chose to remove Harry's from halfway down his leg. He sat himself next to the younger man and pulled him on top so that he was straddling him. Severus ground upwards, creating friction between their erections; moans escaped both of their mouths, Severus' much more restrained than Harry's. They built up a rhythm of friction as they repeatedly pushed against one another, the pleasure almost too much to bear.

Before long, Severus was on top of Harry, laid down on the sofa, summoning the lubricant from upstairs. The green-eyed man showed a slight hesitation once he realised Severus' intentions.

"Urm- I haven't…I can't…I don't know…"

"Do you want to?"

"Yes…but I haven't before."

"I know. It'll be ok. I'll stop if you tell me. Do you trust me?"

"Of course." Harry's anxiety seemed to disappear slightly but Severus' built up more; he couldn't remember how to be gentle with someone. He had only ever had sex for the pleasure, making it rough but accurate; how was he supposed to change to adapt to a virgin? He would have to, he told himself. He didn't want to hurt the man that he loved; he wanted him to remember it as something pleasurable, not painful. He could do this; he would do it for Harry.

Severus began lubricating his fingers, ignoring the throbbing feeling in his cock. He pressed the tip of his finger inside Harry's opening and watched as a confused expression took over his face. He didn't seem to be in pain and so Severus wiggled the digit a bit and pushed in slightly further. Harry looked uncomfortable.

"Is everything ok?" Severus asked him.

"It feels strange."

"It will do but it will be fine. It may burn a little but it fades." Harry nodded his consent and Severus entered the finger fully inside him. The muscles around Severus' finger contracted and tightened, stopping him from moving. He sat patiently, waiting for Harry to adjust to the feel of having something inside him for the first time. He smiled reassuringly at him, as the man relaxed, allowing him to move the finger in and out a few times. He soon became used to the feel of it and Severus attempted to add another lubricated finger.

"OW!"

Severus immediately withdrew both fingers from the entrance and cursed his impatient erection, as it stood to attention. He apologised to Harry and kissed down his thighs, relaxing him once more. The older man licked the ring of muscles and swirled his tongue around it teasingly.

"Mmm. Nice."

Severus smiled and continued his actions, distracting Harry enough to be able to slip one finger back inside him; his tongue soon joined it and Harry moaned out in pleasure rather than pain. He continued the preparation, eventually adding a second finger when Harry appeared comfortable. He knew it must burn and so he took it slowly, until the muscles around him relaxed and Harry was more accepting. Adding the third and fourth fingers were much more challenging but with a lot of lube, trust and comforting words, Severus was finally moving four fingers in and out of Harry.

Once he could tell that the four digits were no longer hurting, he withdrew them and coated his aching cock in lubricant. He moaned slightly as he slid his hand down the shaft: his member had waited far too long to be inside Harry's body. Green eyes filled with concern melted Severus' heart; he almost stopped what he was doing.

"It's ok. I'm ready. Be careful with me please."

"Of course I will. I'd never hurt you." He kissed the man on the lips to prove that he meant it and continued the kiss, as he opened up the entrance. More nervous than he'd ever been, Severus pushed the tip inside Harry and waited for the pain to subside. The look on Harry's face told him that it wouldn't be any time soon and although he said nothing, he was clearly burning quite a bit. Severus began kissing his neck gently, calming him but not quite taking the pain away.

"Do you want to stop?"

"No. Just wish it would get better quicker."

"It will be amazing soon. I promise." He kissed Harry's head and pushed in slightly further.

"Just go all the way."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Just stay still once you're in." Severus complied with Harry's wishes and bit back the moan of pleasure that threatened to escape him once he heard Harry's painful cry.

"It's ok. Don't worry." For someone that hadn't ever had gentle or caring sex, Severus was surprising himself with how well he was doing. Despite the fact that his cock told him to drive in and out, he ignored it and looked after his man. He supposed love really did make a difference.

"Move" said Harry, a little stiff but more relaxed nonetheless. Severus pulled in and out a few times until Harry had become used to the movements involved. Once the painful faces and noises had disappeared, Severus plunged back in and hit Harry's prostate hard for the first time.

"AHHH! Do that again!" he begged. Severus smiled, pulled back out and slammed back down hard.

"More! Please more!" It was amazing. More amazing than Severus had imagined; the muscles around him were so tight, creating maximum pleasure and Harry was so responsive to pleasure. He claimed the man's lips once more and only stopped when Harry's pleasure-filled cries interrupted him. Deciding Harry couldn't maintain a kiss for too long, Severus concentrated on kissing the man's neck and shoulders instead, which seemed to be appreciated. As the pace picked up, Severus began panting and moaning in Harry's ear; he never showed his pleasure during sex but he couldn't help himself around Harry. This was the most pleasure he'd ever had.

"Severus, I need to stop. I'm too close already." Harry looked so embarrassed about what he'd had to admit to but Severus smiled down at him.

"Let me give you a hand." He sat up slightly, still inside Harry and grasped his erection hard. He tugged on it with a tight grip and matched the rhythm of his thrusts that still hit Harry's prostate each time.

"Oh God! Severus! Pleeeease! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SEVERUS!" Harry screamed as his cock gave in and spurted semen all over Severus' hand, leaving some to drip down onto his own stomach. It had by far been the best orgasm that he'd ever had; there was definitely no need to question his sexuality anymore.

Happy with himself, Severus continued thrusting inside the willing body underneath him, enjoying the feel of the tight hole contracting against his hardness. He moaned and groaned loudly, pushing himself in and out of his loved one, kissing him every chance he got. Harry lay back in awe, finding it difficult to come down from his high when he was still being pleasured; each hit to his prostate was like an electric shock of desire and he wanted more. Surprising himself, he soon became hard again at the feel of Severus inside him, knowing that he was finally having sex with a man and the one that he'd desired nonetheless.

"What are you doing to me?" he asked, looking down at his fully erect cock. Severus simply smirked and grabbed hold of the cum-soaked penis, stroking it back in time with his thrusts once more. Harry's moans became louder and louder until they erupted into screams of joy; Severus was certain that they weren't pleasing the old lady that lived next door but he couldn't have cared less. He was with Harry. The world could know for all he cared. He grunted loudly into Harry's ear as he got closer, determined to bring Harry to another climax before he released. Several hard thrusts and tugs later, Harry screamed out in unimaginable pleasure and came hard enough to spray some over Severus' torso. Two thrusts later, Severus emptied himself inside the man.

"Harry! AHH!" he cried as the seed flowed inside the younger man. He pulled out; collapsing on the sofa next to Harry, wishing that he'd discovered this kind of sex earlier in life. He'd had the best orgasm of his life and all because he was with the one he loved.

"That was so amazing!" Harry panted.

"Definitely" was all Severus could muster. He claimed Harry's lips in a slow, loving kiss.

"Absolutely" replied Harry.

"What WAS that?"

"Your Valentine's day present" Harry teased, noticing it was after midnight.

"I hate Valentine's Day" he laughed.

"Why?"

They were interrupted by a ringing noise coming from somewhere near them.

"What's that?" he asked Harry sleepily.

"My phone. SHIT my phone!" He jumped up to search for it, giving Severus the perfect view of his backside, which had the smallest trail of Severus' cum escaping it. It made Severus smile. After all this time, he had finally claimed the man he loved; he felt complete; he felt happy. Nathaniel was right: he should have told him how he felt earlier. Actually saying that, he hadn't told him how he felt yet; he needed to do that. He needed to tell Harry Potter that he loved him.

"Hello?" said Harry once he'd found the phone.

"I'm not doing anything."

"No I'm just at home."

"Yeah of course I can."

"I love you too. See you soon."

Harry spelled his clothes back on, before Severus could say a word, seemingly forgetting the broken buttons.

"I'm sorry I've got to go" he told Severus. There was no response and the door soon closed with a bang, leaving Severus alone, naked, and spent with his clothes surrounding him.

"That's why" he said in answer to Harry's earlier question.


	2. My Whole World Could Cave In

Was It Wrong To Go Along With Insanity?

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and many of the places mentioned in this story. The plot is the only thing created by me.**

* * *

**Part 2:- My Whole World Could Cave In**

**Harry**

When he really thought about it, he supposed his life had gone pretty fast; twenty years of life could have been over in half the time, or so it often felt. Being young, he had never really cared that the years were accelerating past him but recently, he wished it would all slow down. It had been over three years since the war had ended and it felt like a few days: the deaths were still fresh wounds; the nightmares still hadn't left him and the press still reported as if it were recent news. He could live through all this though, as long as he had something to go on for, yet sadly, he didn't feel like he did. He had wonderful friends that had now become family, as well as a doting girlfriend but sadly she was the main problem. It had never been perfect, he guessed, but things had vastly deteriorated recently, as he found himself wishing he could escape the lies that he was living.

Harry Potter was by no means happy. In fact, he often felt that he was sinking back into the depression that he'd felt post-war after watching so many others lose their lives. He had always hoped that after Voldemort had been defeated, he would be able to live an ordinary life with fewer complications. Annoyingly, the most confusing was that, which should have been most simple: his love life. He had been in a relationship with Ginny Weasley for almost three years and she was by far the most loyal, caring and all-around perfect partner that he could ask for. They spent a lot of time together, alone and with Ginny's family, who were now also his own family. His best friend had now practically become his brother and his female friend, his sister, after they had both gotten married last year. Ron and Hermione were now trying to start their own branch on the Weasley family tree and Harry couldn't be happier for them.

Every part of his person wished that this was enough and he cursed himself for being unable to live through the happiness of others. He had always seen his family as more important than himself but this didn't take away the pain that he felt every single day; the pain that was slowly becoming less and less numb. He hadn't realised how wrong things felt until the dreams had started; they had started off as partial strands and eventually became…

"Harry, you're out of it again. What's going on?" Hermione demanded.

"Nothing, sorry. I was just thinking about what to get Ginny for Valentine's Day" he lied, barely feeling the twinge in his stomach that occurred whenever he did this.

"Why are you putting so much thought into it? It's not like you normally would…oh!" Her tone changed partway through the sentence, almost as if she'd hit realisation.

"What?" Harry responded, confused.

"Are you going to-? Is it-? Oh my god" she clapped her hand to her mouth.

"What are you talking about?" he demanded, slightly frustrated now.

"Oh, right. I won't say anything I swear. Not even to Ron. Everyone's going to be so happy! Molly is going to be so excited for another wedding."

"Another-?"

The flashback disappeared as soon as it had come around. He didn't exactly blame Hermione for the situation that he had now got himself into but he couldn't help but associate her with it. She beamed across the table at him, as he looked around nervously at the entire family. Molly was in her element, surrounded by all of her genuine and adopted children, fussing over them and feeding them to the point of bursting. Despite the many years that had passed since she had discovered Harry's starvation at Privet Drive, it was always him that she overfed the most. He had always felt like one of her sons, rather than a family friend or her daughter's boyfriend. In fact, all of the Weasleys treated him like a blood relative; this was the prime reason that he hadn't yet left Ginny and also why he was sitting at the table, a heavy weight in his jacket pocket, barely outweighing those on his shoulders and heart.

He looked at her, trying to remind himself why he didn't love her. He tried and tried with all his brainpower to change those feelings but nothing happened; it never did. How could he go through with this? Ginny caught his eye and pulled his hand into her lap, squeezing it tight, as she laughed along with her brothers. Harry of course, was paying no attention to what may or may not have been funny and could only concentrate on the churning in his stomach.

The nervous man flew off in a blur, towards the nearest bathroom, hoping his stomach lining could hold off until he got there. As half-digested food left his system into the toilet, he found himself wishing he could follow it and disappear to some unknown place. How did this all happen? He felt bad enough with the thoughts that plagued him day and night without actually having to act on them too. If only he hadn't…

"Harry! What's up? You alright mate?" Ron was banging on the door, clearly worried about him. He wanted to tell his friend not to worry about him, he didn't want it and he certainly didn't deserve it. He was tearing the family apart and that was the one thing that he had never wanted to do; they were all so close and had suffered enough pain with the loss of Fred.

"I'm ok. Think I ate too fast" he lied once more, wishing he could tell the truth just for once. He opened the door, trying to form a decision in his mind.

"Careful mate, don't want mum forcing you into bed early and banning us from talking to you until you feel better. Remember the last time she caught you being sick?" he laughed.

Guilt. That was why he was sick. He was trying to spew up his lies, his deceit and his infidelity; sickness was nothing more than being unable to deal with his own sexuality.

"I know. Go distract her while I spell on a glamour, will you? Don't want her realising why I ran off."

"What should I tell her?"

"Tell her she'll understand soon enough but only if she asks." Ron nodded, clearly not comprehending a single word that his friend had just said.

Harry stared at himself in the mirror, spelling away any signs of illness, sadness and tiredness, before taking a deep breath and leaving the bathroom. He sat back down next to Ginny, taking back her hand and smiling nervously at her; he paid partial attention to Molly quizzing Ron about what was wrong, as he tried his best to explain. Green eyes locked onto long flowing red hair and a face filled with contentment; Ginny freely smiled and laughed in her bubble of happiness. Harry felt like a bully with a pin, with the power to force the innocent, happy child into tears in an instant with one quick movement.

He took in her features: the beauty in her face, the sparkle in her eyes and the feminine curves. The latter sent his brain into a spiral; he imagining them naked together, like they used to be, natural and happy. The thoughts twisted; her face morphed and soon some not-so-happy flashbacks returned to him.

_His hand was accepted by a firm grip and a single shake was exchanged before he found himself grabbed by an unstoppable force. He threw himself into the body of the man before him, grabbing a handful of black hair, as he began a bruising kiss. A weight rose from his chest as he felt the other man respond, kissing him back harder. He tried his best not to rub his erection against the man's leg, not wanting him to know how turned on he had become just from this one kiss. The thoughts disappeared as he was pulled back into the house and pushed up hard against the door. The roughness and the feeling were perfect, a vast improvement on what he was used to experiencing with Ginny._

"_So much better" he heard himself utter as the assault continued. The smirk that followed suddenly reminded him that this was Severus Snape. He was kissing his ex-professor. He'd dreamed about it, even masturbated over the man but doing it for real sent a message to his brain, telling him that he was gay. He had to be. He didn't even care._

_Harry was pulled over to the sofa, his shirt violently torn from him, as the man's dominance came into play. He'd imagined he'd be like this and it had always made him want the man more. The few encounters that the two had had recently had consisted of Harry forcing himself not to act on the thoughts that possessed his brain._

_He buckled under the weight that forced him down onto the sofa, as his nipples were taken into the older man's mouth. He took this moment to contemplate what was happening and above all, how it had happened. Should he have been doing that? Of course not but at that moment, he hadn't cared. He'd wanted to be with a man, in fact, this specific man for too long and he wasn't about to give up his opportunity for any morals. He pulled Severus back up for a slow and meaningful kiss, taking full advantage of what was no doubt, a one-off experience. He remembered finding it odd that Severus had kissed him back gently and slowly but he hadn't stopped to question it. After realising how much he needed to see and feel more of the man on top of him, they both began passionately and impatiently undressing each other._

_GET OUT OF MY HEAD!_

He'd accidentally hit himself in the face, trying to push the horrible reminders of his infidelity away, which drew a lot of attention.

"What's up mate? Got those headaches again?" Ron questioned, glaring at him, telling Harry with his eyes to agree with him. Another pang of guilt hit Harry hard. He was trying to save his best friend the embarrassment without realising that he was actually thinking about sleeping with someone that certainly wasn't the woman sitting next to him, in fact, they couldn't have been any different.

"Yeah, sorry. I'll be fine once I've eaten, I'm sure" he told no one in particular but cast a thankful look in Ron's direction.

The declaration of the headaches had then of course, forced Mrs Weasley to fuss, offering several remedies before finally serving Harry a portion of food that was easily twice the size of anyone else's on the table. She smiled lovingly at him, reminding him that he needed to eat it all to keep his strength up and stop himself from getting ill. Harry didn't think he'd be able to eat a single mouthful, as he contemplated what his actions could have done to this entire family, to his entire family.

Cursing himself for his lack of self-control as well as his desire for men, he picked up his fork and began to eat, swallowing without really tasting, barely considering the usual high standards of Molly Weasley's home-cooked food.

"Thank you for inviting us Molly. This was a very original way for us all to spend Valentine's Day" Hermione complimented.

"I'm glad you could all come. I just thought it would be nice for the whole family to get together with their partners. I know you're all young and you have better things to be doing with your evenings but I'm so touched that you're all here." She of course had stared to well up by this point.

"Tell you what mum, if you cry this much when you're happy, I don't even want to see you when you're sad ever again!" George laughed at her.

"You'll understand when you've got kids of your own one day George Weasley!"

"I know you want more grandkids and all that mum but seriously, out of all of your children, it's me that you want to reproduce?" Everyone had laughed at that comment, even Harry despite his internal conflict and misery.

"Of course I want you to have children George! I hoped that you'd all have children one day. I wouldn't want you to rush though! Planning is the key to success. We need to get you all married off first anyway" she laughed to herself.

Thunk. The weight in Harry's pocket suddenly became much heavier as he heard those words spoken. His heart beat faster; his palms began to sweat. How was this night going to end? It would've been the right thing to propose; it would make everyone happy, he supposed. The whole family would be together, they'd all celebrate and Harry would learn to be happy. No one would get hurt as long as they didn't find out what he'd done. But what if they did? Would if somehow it all came out and he broke Ginny's heart? He didn't think he'd be able to live with himself.

"_May I?" Severus asked him, waiting for permission. He had his fingers partially down the trim of Harry's boxers, lightly grazing him with the tips. Unable to speak in the excitement, the younger wizard simply nodded slowly, wrapped up in awe, mixed with genuine fear. He had only imagined what this kind of sex would be like; he had no idea about the real thing. He had on many occasions, pleasured himself thinking of how this situation would occur. How would he be able to get Severus Snape into bed? If he had known just how simple it would be perhaps he would have done it sooner._

_Lost in his thoughts, Harry barely had the sense to realise that he was now fully naked, laying there obediently in front of his ex-teacher, fully hard. There was no warning for what came next. He couldn't have prepared for it if there was. One minute he was daydreaming and the next, his entire cock had been engulfed and concealed behind Severus' cheeks. He looked down and saw the hollowed out expression on the man's face as he sucked down onto the length._

"_FUUUCK! Severus! Oh god!" he screamed out in pure ecstasy. Harry watched, fascinated as his own penis reappeared and disappeared quickly again inside the other man's mouth. What amazed him the most was that Severus seemed to really enjoy what he was doing; it was as if sucking Harry like that was his favourite thing to do and he wouldn't pass it up no matter what was offered. The green-eyed man had never seen someone in this position before; enjoying giving pleasure rather than receiving it. Harry had been given plenty of blowjobs in his time but this was completely different; he believed that this was how it was supposed to go. It wasn't supposed to be something that had to be done to please someone else, whether you wanted to or not._

_He was mumbling. Fuck! What was he saying? He didn't know and he didn't care. He just wanted Severus to continue for as long as possible. However, he'd wanted this for far too long and all the dreams had been nothing compared to the real thing and so he began to worry about how long he would last_

"_Faster! Please go faster!" For several minutes, Severus sucked Harry's length in and out of his mouth at a faster pace, wetting him down and making him groan noisily and almost constantly. It wasn't long before Harry felt the orgasm building in his stomach and he certainly didn't want to embarrass himself by coming too soon. His mind battled with the oncoming orgasm and eventually it won._

"_Stop! Please! Stop!" he cried out, a little more panicky than he'd expected it to come out. He watched as Severus pulled away very quickly, looking more than a little concerned. Harry thought fast and told Severus that he needed to see all of him. Once they were both fully naked, the younger man looked up at his ex-teacher and took in the sight of him completely naked. His body was a map of scars, each telling a story of war and suffering. Harry thought nothing of them and instead turned his attention to the nicely formed muscles and the hardened nipples on the man's chest. He tried to look down at the man's cock without being too obvious but was certain that he failed. It was a nice size; well it would have been if he wasn't scared of what was to come. Just looking at the naked man made him very turned on and despite his inexperience, he wanted to pleasure him._

_Harry watched as Severus sat beside him, wondering what he would do next. Before he could contemplate it any further, he found himself pulled up by strong arms and onto Severus so that he was straddling him. Excitement running through him, he looked into the obsidian eyes now below him and the older man moved his hips upwards, forcing his cock to meet Harry's. Harry threw his head backwards in pleasure and let out a loud moan, pleased that he also heard one escape Severus' mouth._

_Experimentally, he set his gaze on Severus' face as he pushed back down onto him, loving the way that his mouth parted when he was aroused. The moans were restrained but they were existent and Harry was determined to get more out of him. Within minutes, the two men had set themselves a perfect and pleasurable pace as their sounds became louder. The friction between the two members increased and Harry soon found himself panting on top of Severus, constantly pushing for more and more pressure._

"_So good!" he shouted to the ceiling as he felt the hardness against him one more. With that, Severus pushed him back, laid him down and climbed on top of him._

"You must have been hungry to eat all that" he heard Ginny whisper to him. Harry looked down at the plate, realising that his massive portion was gone and that he had clearly eaten it when wrapped up in his thoughts.

"I just appreciate good cooking" he responded quickly, smiling at her. What he'd said would normally have been true, considering how much he genuinely did love anything that Mrs Weasley cooked for him but he honestly couldn't remember tasting anything on his plate. He couldn't guarantee what it was that he had actually eaten, let alone comment on what it had actually tasted like.

"I know you do." She kissed him on the head and stroked his back softly, as they chatted idly with the rest of the family. The gentleness made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and not in the way that they should have done.

"How are things going in the Auror department then Harry? Ginny tells us that you're always busy. I suppose you must be. You're always at work when she comes over here."

"You know what it's like. There's always some idiot thinking that they can copy Voldemort with not half the power and no followers. It gets a bit tedious if I'm completely honest" he sighed in response.

"At least you've got a good team to keep you going" Mrs Weasley told him, "but you must remember to take a break from it every now and then. I know you think that you've still got the world on your shoulders but you haven't. Take some time for yourself. It won't do you any good being stressed out."

"I plan to take some time off soon. I would say when things go quiet but when do they ever go quiet?"

"Not for you they don't" Ron laughed, "haven't seen you relax in about a year. Seriously mate, Mum's right. You need to chill."

Dessert was served and the subject was changed, making Harry feel slightly better; he did prefer not to be the topic of conversation, after all the years of being the centre of attention. They went on to discuss George and Ron's business in the joke shop, which brought some well-needed smiles to everyone's faces. Nevertheless, each time it was mentioned, Harry couldn't help but think about Fred, who of course had started up the shop with his twin, using Harry's winnings from the TriWizard Tournament. Ron was of course doing a great job with his brother but it didn't have the same personal touches in the newer products that it would have done had Fred been there. Harry never mentioned these thoughts out loud of course, considering his death had hit the rest of the family much harder than it had hit him; he had only known him for seven years.

Thinking on it, anyone else would have thought this to be the strangest Valentine's Day in the history of the world: a whole family joined together, albeit in couples, for dinner. Yet somehow, it fit the Weasley family perfectly; their tight-knit family and close relationship meant that their love for each other was just as important, if not more important, than the love they could possess for any partner. It was the type of family that Harry had always dreamed about having and there it was right in front of his face. He couldn't risk losing it over one night with Severus Snape. He couldn't come clean. But could he force himself to stay with her just for the family? Could he spend the rest of his life pretending desperately to be something that he absolutely wasn't? It was going to take more than a stimulant potion, he knew that much. He needed to force Severus, no, men out of his brain altogether and carry on but how could he when…

_A lubricated finger pressed inside him; it was the most bizarre feeling, somehow completely different from what he imagined. He thought it would be similar to how it seemed when he put his fingers inside Ginny but strangely, he felt no pleasure, just an odd sensation. He must have been pulling a face because Severus questioned him; he told him the truth but soon relaxed once he was reassured. He lay back and tried not to think too much on what was happening and instead concentrated on the pleasure that he knew he would eventually feel. People wouldn't do it if it wasn't pleasurable, he reminded himself. After the intruding finger had pushed in and out of him a few times, he became more used to the feeling and it no longer appeared odd. In fact, it was actually fairly nice knowing that someone was inside of him for the first time._

_Severus had picked up on Harry's renewed comfort and had attempted to add an extra finger. That had hurt. Harry couldn't stop himself from crying out and immediately became embarrassed when Severus had retrieved his fingers from inside him._

"_I'm sorry Harry" the man said, as he kissed his thighs and stroked his sides at the same time. Harry couldn't help from becoming immediately calm and lost in the surprise of someone so distant being able to be so loving. It almost felt as if he cared about him; Harry reminded himself that it was more likely that he knew he had to be gentle with someone so inexperienced. However, in that moment in time, he allowed himself to believe that Severus cared about him and that his actions were in fact ministrations of a loving nature, rather than care taken to a virgin._

_Without warning, Harry suddenly felt something wet and soft touch his entrance and it felt amazing. He voiced the thought aloud before realising that it must have been Severus' tongue. The intrusion continued using the new organ and Harry found it much more pleasurable; the licks to the ring of muscles as well as the dips inside were a perfect combination. He barely even noticed when one of the fingers were re-entered into his body alongside the tongue as he moaned with pleasure. He lost himself in the new sensation and eventually realised that he was even inclined to the idea of more fingers penetrating him until he was ready for something much larger._

_Severus added extra fingers very gradually and cautiously and each time Harry felt the stretching cause a burning feeling, he ignored it and rode through it. The older wizard seemed to be enjoying fucking Harry was his fingers and licking him and so Harry felt no embarrassment groaning each time something was particularly enjoyable. Soon after, the green-eyed man became aware that there were four fingers moving carefully in and out of him and he almost felt scared at the idea. He didn't have much time to think about it before two of the digits grazed against his prostate for the first time and he cried out in pleasure. He was definitely ready to be fucked._

_He hardly noticed that all fingers had been removed from inside him, as he lay there, thinking of how it would feel to be filled up with Severus' cock. He came back to reality upon hearing the sound of the lube slicking onto Severus' hand again. The man spread it down his cock and tried to hold back a moan and failed, though Harry couldn't blame him; just from the expression on his face and his hardness, he could tell that the restraint was killing him. Although he'd fantasised about it and had been looking forward to it since they first kissed that evening, Harry suddenly became very scared at how much what they were about to do might hurt him. Severus realised how he must have been feeling and stopped what he was doing, looking concerned._

"_It's ok. I'm ready. Be careful with me please" Harry told him in what he hoped had been a brave and reassuring voice._

"_Of course I will. I'd never hurt you." The man's response shocked him. He trusted him and he knew that Severus wouldn't hurt him but the way that he had said it sounded uncharacteristically sentimental. It was the reaction to the situation Harry supposed. Severus kissed him slowly and meaningfully; Harry thought it was to distract him from the pain that was about to come. He realised that he must have been right as he felt Severus open him with his fingers, not once breaking the kiss. He felt Severus' hardness against his tight ring of muscles and closed his eyes as the intrusion began; the pain, no matter how much he expected it, still came as a shock and he pulled away from the kiss. He almost felt like he was being ripped from the inside; he knew it wasn't the case because Severus had prepared him and had been very careful but the intense pain was almost too much to take._

_Kisses covered his neck, shoulders and the top part of his body as he gritted his teeth through the discomfort that just the tip of Severus's cock was causing him. How was he supposed to take the rest of it if he could barely cope with such a small amount? Severus asked him if he wanted to stop but he refused. He had wanted this for too long to turn it down once he was so close to getting it._

"_It will be amazing soon, I promise" Severus told him, adding a kiss to his head. Harry felt the intrusion go in slightly further and then stop. He felt more burning but not as much as the original pain. With this thought in mind, he told Severus to push himself in completely, thinking that the pain couldn't get much worse. He was wrong._

"_Ahh!" he cried out as Severus pushed himself fully inside and the pain spread from his entrance to deep down. The older man stayed still as Harry had asked him to and was biting his lip, which Harry assumed was to stop himself from moaning from the pleasure. He must have been very tight and the younger man knew what reaction that could have on a man. He didn't blame him at all but he just wished that he could feel all the pleasure that Severus was apparently feeling._

_Moments passed and the burning sensation died down slightly; it was still there but it was bearable and Harry wasn't selfish enough to keep Severus waiting any longer. After hearing his attempts at reassuring him, Harry told him to move and braced himself. Looking slightly unsure, yet excited at the same time, Severus pulled almost fully out of Harry and pushed himself back in. He did this a few times and each time, Harry failed to stop himself from letting out a quiet pain-filled moan. He used all the self-control he could to stop the sounds escaping his mouth any longer and concentrated on the positive parts._

_Harry told himself that he was finally with a man and he had taken his first steps to accepting who he was. Stopping himself from making his move on Severus all this time had been stupid, as he knew that inevitably, this was going to happen. The man on top of him moved in and out more, still forcing himself to stay silent and show no signs of pleasure, despite the confined space that he was currently pumping through. His selflessness relaxed Harry further and he stopped contracting his hole, allowing easier movement and less pain._

_Suddenly, Severus pushed into his prostate and all the pain finally seemed worthwhile._

"_AHHH! Do that again!" he shouted out, feeling slightly stupid as he realised what lack of control he had during sex. How Severus could stay so collected, he would never know. The smile on the older man's face encouraged his reactions and as he obliged to the order, Harry cried out again, begging him for more. As Severus' thrusts continued, so did Harry's pleasure and despite the burning still hurting him, it was easily ignored when there was so much pleasure to enjoy. He felt his lips attacked by Severus' but the enjoyment was too much and his shouts interrupted the passionate kiss. _

_As they continued, the movements were faster and harder, each thrust inside Harry hit him in exactly the right place, bubbling him up from the inside. He looked up into Severus' face and memorised the look of pleasure that he saw, which was soon matched by loud grunts and moans in his ear. It appeared that even Severus Snape could lose control during sex, as he let himself go completely and every time something felt particularly good to him, Harry could tell. He tried to meet each of his thrusts to increase the sensation for the both of them and before he knew it, the furious passion between the two of them was sending him closer and closer to the edge of ecstasy. If Severus continued, he was definitely going to cum very soon and so with shame evident in his voice, he told the man that he needed to stop, not wanting to be a disappointment._

_Severus reacted in the opposite way than expected and actually smiled at Harry's words._

"_Let me give you a hand." Harry barely had the time to contemplate the words before he felt Severus grasp his cock hard and begin pumping, still continuing his pounding inside the other man's body. The combination of pressure on his prostrate and the attention on his penis sent Harry blind with pleasure. He lost all other senses and could only feel. Unexpectedly, the sensation came to its (and to Harry's) head._

"_Oh God! Severus! Pleeeease! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SEVERUS!" he shouted out as he came. Every sexual experience before this faded away into nothing because it could not compare to what he had just felt. Nothing he'd ever done on his own or with Ginny had felt like that and he couldn't imagine that it ever would. This was the only type of pleasure that he could feel with a man. His thoughts were confirmed as Severus soon brought him to a second orgasm, the first multiple he had ever had, and finished by releasing his seed inside Harry._

Why was he thinking about this again? He hadn't stopped reminiscing since it had happened. He would love to have tried out life as a gay man because he knew it would suit him more; it would have made him happy. But how would he have started? Severus wouldn't have wanted to be with him properly and so he would have had to have found someone else. How long would that have taken? Plus, he would have to deal with the thought of breaking Ginny's heart and hurting the whole family, his family. It was better this way, he told himself.

Without even realising how it had happened, he had found himself on one knee on the dining room floor, with a ring in hand. It was goblin made and very expensive. Everyone gasped in shock as he flashed it at Ginny, whose smile reflected brilliantly in the stones. He'd never seen her look so happy and so he continued the process that his absent mind had began without him.

"Ginny, will you marry me?"

* * *

I'm so evil. What did everyone think?

Sorry for the delay and thanks to everyone for being so patient. I try as hard as I can to write but life gets in the way. Anyone that wants to chat can follow me on facebook and/or twitter under my pen name. :)


	3. Denying Won't Do It

Was It Wrong To Go Along With Insanity?

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and many of the places mentioned in this story. The plot is the only thing created by me.**

Sorry for the wait everyone but I will be improving my attempts at getting stuff done. After my holiday, you will have my full attention.

* * *

**Part 3:- Denying won't do it**

**Severus**

_THE TIME IS NOW!_

_By Susan Bones_

_It is with the utmost delight that I am able to make the announcement to all readers of the Daily Prophet that Harry James Potter, the man-who-lived has finally proposed to his long-term girlfriend Ginevra Molly Weasley. The Granger-Weasley wedding last year has since left everyone questioning how long it would take for our saviour to take this next step. We can all say it now: it's about time Mr Potter!_

_A reliable source informs us that wedding preparations are well on the way and despite the fact that much thought will be put into perfecting the day, things will be moving very quickly. It appears that after taking his time to recover from the aftermath of the Battle of Hogwarts, the war hero has finally regained some sense of normality and chosen to begin to live his life. We can all look up to the couple, who are setting an example to show that no matter what happens to us all, life does go on and we can eventually find happiness. It is because of this that we can guarantee the young couple will have all the support they need from not only the Weasley family but also the entirety of the Wizarding World._

_Sadly, we have not yet been able to secure an exclusive interview with Mr Potter or Miss Weasley, as they are both very busy planning their future together but we will continue to contact them to arrange a date for this. However, we have been able to briefly question a few members of the Weasley family to bring you the most trustworthy information that we can. Upon being asked how the wedding will affect the close-knit family, Molly Weasley, mother of Ginevra, assured us that it would only bring them closer. "Harry has always been a part of our family, before we even considered that he would someday be marrying our daughter but to have it official would mean a lot to us" Mrs Weasley informed us. It appears that although all of us have been waiting a long time to hear wedding bells for this happy couple, our happiness is nothing in comparison to the family._

_It is well-known that in his first year at school, Mr Potter developed a close, family-like friendship with both Ronald Weasley and his now-wife, Hermione Granger. It's strange to think that at one point, the trio would not have realised that they would eventually all become family but it is clear to see that in Mr Weasley's words: "Harry has always been my brother. The fact that it's soon to be official is strange but I'll be happier for it." We wish Mr Potter and Miss Weasley all the best in their organising and hope that when the time is right, they will consider allowing us an interview for our readers._

Severus threw the newspaper across the room after his tenth time reading it. He didn't know why he was still torturing himself with it, especially as it was now days old and no doubt more recent developments would soon be published. He didn't consider himself a reader of the Prophet, as there were more intellectual newspapers that interested him but since he had seen this one article, he had had every issue of the Prophet delivered. Severus forced himself to read every single article in each paper very carefully for any mentions of the newly-engaged couple. Of course there were several but nothing that was any new information.

Since his night with Harry, he had questioned whether he would go through with his proposal plans but any thought inside him that it wouldn't happen was ridiculous and he knew that. He wasn't sure whether wondering about it or knowing about it was worse but he didn't really care; nothing seemed to matter. Everything that had happened had just proven to him that he was doomed to a lonely life and there was no hope of any change in this. Perhaps it would have been easier for him to process if it weren't for how he had found out.

_It was the day after Valentine's Day and Nathaniel had finally given up on quizzing him about Harry, after receiving no answers whatsoever; he hadn't even had it in him to be sarcastic. He put all of his concentrations into his potions and had spent a lot of time in the lab downstairs from the shop, while Nathaniel handled the customers. Severus wasn't quite sure that he could bring himself to listen to their drabble, particularly if it was going to be about their dates from the day before._

_After a few hours of bottling up some of the simpler potions and leaving some of the more complex ones to stew for a week or longer, the shop-owner levitated a few boxes up the stoned stairs of the building. He flicked the door open with his wand and brought the boxes out behind the counter into the shop, ready for restocking after closing time. He retook his place beside Nathaniel, who glanced at him with more than plain nervousness in his eyes, as he interacted with a customer. The woman was middle-aged and beamed at the both of them, her smile radiating more from the light in her eyes than her lips._

"_Such wonderful news! Definitely a night to be celebrating!"_

_Severus didn't question this wonderful news, as he was certain that it would be something that didn't interest him in the slightest; he hadn't realised how far from true these thoughts were. The customer looked hopefully at Nathaniel as if expecting him to respond to whatever she had just told him._

"_Well I'm glad that it has made you happy" he told her simply, "enjoy the rest of your day." He smiled at her but it was in no way as bright as the happy customer's. Nathaniel handed her the bag containing her potions and accepted her money exchange._

_Noting his less than content exterior, the witch turned to Severus, telling him that on a day like today, he should be rejoicing with the rest of the world. She informed him that good news should always be celebrated and life was too short._

"_I'm sorry madam, though I'm sure you have reason to be happy, whatever news you have just had does not affect me. I am sincerely pleased that you have found something worth celebrating" Severus told her in his politest professional voice. She looked back at him, her smile not faltering._

"_But this news affects us all! In fact, it must affect you more than I. Though it might be old news to you, some of us are still reeling in the joyous news of Harry Potter's engagement." She left the store with a final smile as Severus' world crashed down around him._

"Mr Snape! If you have a moment, could you come upstairs? A customer has a question about the cutting of the mouse tails in the anti-anger potion" Nathaniel called down to him. Sighing, Severus got up from his chair in the lab and made his way into the store.

"Ah, Severus Snape. You are the shop owner, correct?" The man seemed unfriendly and was probably bigger in the middle than he was in height.

"That is correct. How may I help you?"

"I am told that you brew all the potions in the store yourself."

"You have been informed correctly."

"Then can you tell me more about the mouse tails in this potion?" he asked, holding up Severus' own anti-anger potion.

"What would you like to know?"

"Are the mice live or dead? How are the tails cut?"

"I have only used fully grown mice that have died from old age with no other health issues. The tails are cut using a two inch platinum blade and are added whole to the rest of the ingredients" he answered, unsure as to why the man would be asking him this.

"How would you know that each of the mice used had died from old age?"

"Why would you care to know this information?"

"Just for research purposes."

"Are you intending to buy the potion?"

"No" he answered honestly, "but I am considering…"

"Leave" Severus told him bluntly.

"But you don't know what I was going to say" the man responded, seemingly more annoyed.

"Oh but I do. You were going to inform me that you are considering creating your own version of the potion using almost exactly the same ingredients that I have used myself and now you are questioning my sources and methods in order to create this potion. You will then attempt to sell it yourself."

Eventually, the man left the shop, leaving Nathaniel apologising to Severus, stating that he hadn't known that this was why the man was asking.

"Don't worry Nathaniel. It takes a while to spot people like that man but you will learn."

"Well I'm sorry anyway sir. I will be more cautious next time."

"There is nothing to be sorry about."

The rest of the shift continued somewhat slowly, Severus repeating the Daily Prophet article in his head constantly, pretty certain that he had already memorised most of it. Nathaniel knew what he was thinking about, as he rarely thought about much else at the moment. The Potions Master spent all of his time with his potions or moping around, not really doing a lot. To say his social skills were bad would have been an understatement before but now, they were even worse. There were several potions in that very shop that would have made him feel better in some way but he refused to take them. For one person to feel this amount of pain in their life, they had to have done something very wrong to deserve it.

Thinking on it, Severus couldn't pinpoint a specific event that would have entitled him to this suffering, as he had done so many things to be ashamed of. He had of course joined the Death Eaters at a young age and had spent many years in the company of these murderers and dictators, though that was punishment enough in itself. There were many things that he had done that he regretted but the one thing that pained him the most was the one thing that he believed he could never regret. How could anyone regret love? Severus was sure that if anyone could, it would be him and he tried with all his might to push the memories away but they came flooding back. The bad parts overran the good parts with ease but there was still something about his experience with Harry that he didn't want to forget. Perhaps it was the very brief feeling of happiness that was unlike anything else that he had ever felt.

"Mr Snape?"

"Yes Nathaniel" he replied, still putting on his coat, ready to go home and drown himself in something strong.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drink somewhere? Unless you've got something more important to do..?" Severus contemplated the offer and was ready to decline but he didn't want to reject his only friend, especially as he was supposed to be setting some kind of example to him. He didn't know how a man as broken as he was would be able to do that for anyone but somehow he had to. Anyway, what was the difference between drinking alone and drinking in company? Surprising even himself, he accepted Nathaniel's offer and they both made their way to one of the younger man's locals.

Severus sat as Nathaniel ordered their drinks, chatting slightly with the barmaid, who the Potions Master assumed he must have known. A moment or so later, his colleague joined him at the table, handing him a strange looking concoction in a beer mug.

"What is this?"

"Just drink it" he was told. Severus' instincts always told him not to drink something that was handed to him but he knew Nathaniel wouldn't be trying to poison him in any way and so he took a small sip of what tasted like a very strong beer. Not disliking it, he took a few gulps, enjoying the fiery sensation that it left.

"Now, what is it?"

"It's a strong beer mixed with firewhiskey. It's the house beer. It's called a firebelly."

"If you ever expect me to drink this again, you will be ordering it for me. I will never say that word as long as I'm alive."

"I think I can manage that" he laughed.

"Saying that, I suppose there are only a few more months of you having to put up with my company."

"Why's that?"

"Once you've got your degree at the end of the educational year, you won't need to work for me any longer. There's no doubt that you'll be snapped up for a proper career somewhere."

"I would hope all of that is true but why would it mean I wouldn't be in your company anymore?"

"Nathaniel, are you sure you're intelligent enough to do a degree? If we're not working together then you will not see me" he responded, rolling his eyes at the man in jest.

"I won't see you every day at work but I will still see you. Or are you planning on disowning me?"

Severus tried not to look surprised at the idea that someone would want to spend time with him when they no longer had to but he knew that Nathaniel was telling the truth and so he half-smiled at his colleague and didn't say another word on the subject.

"So you admit that we're friends then?" Nathaniel pressed on.

"If you insist on wording it that way then yes I suppose we are."

"In that case, don't you think it's time that you told me what happened?"

Severus looked down as his quickly emptying drink, knowing that responding in anger wasn't the best idea but neither was answering the question.

"I'm not being pushy and I honestly wouldn't ask you to tell me if it wasn't just because I want to help."

"How do you think you can help? You can't change any of it."

"No I can't but I can advise you and you may feel better talking to me about it. I know you're not the happiest man on the planet as it is but right now, you're downright miserable and as your friend, I have the right to know why, especially if there's no one else you can talk to."

"I have never had anyone to talk to. I mean no offence but why would I need to talk now?"

"Maybe you've always needed to talk but you never considered it before. You're too guarded and you think that people will exploit you for things you may admit to them but I wouldn't do that."

"I know you wouldn't" Severus responded after a lengthy pause.

"Then please talk to me."

It took a lot of time, courage and a huge swallow of his pride for Severus to confide in Nathaniel but the more he thought about it, the more he realised that it couldn't make him feel any worse than he already did. As his friend had already said, he was miserable.

"What do you want to know?"

"Whatever you feel comfortable telling me. But start from what happened when you left that day."

Severus inhaled deeply and ensured that he wouldn't be looking Nathaniel in the face for this conversation. He normally maintained eye-contact in any situation but he didn't know how to look at someone when discussing something so personal. He silently cast some privacy charms around them: his own muffliato; an anti-lip-reading charm as well as a spell to make people walk past them without stopping.

"I went to his house but I couldn't knock on the door. I kept seeing him open and close the box containing the engagement ring through the window and I felt angry and I suppose a little jealous. I was really close to knocking on the door but something stopped me and I realised that there was nothing about me that would attract him. He'd never shown any interest in men, let alone perverted ex-teachers."

"I'm sorry to interrupt you Mr Snape. I won't do so again but you are not perverted. No one can help who they fall in love with so please don't say that again. Continue."

"I think it would be best for you to call me Severus, considering everything."

"I would like that. Now please tell me the rest."

"I lost my nerve and went home and spent some time on my own but then the door knocked. For some reason, I thought it was going to be you so I answered it. Of course it was him. He came in and he wanted my advice about what he should do. He told me that he had to marry her but he didn't want to. Once I questioned his reasons, he told me that her family was his own and he didn't want to hurt them or lose them. I advised him not to live a lie but he told me that he would have to whether he stayed with her or not. In short, he told me he was gay and that he had feelings for someone. My last piece of advice to him was to consider himself and no one else and he agreed to."

"That's not everything, is it? What else happened after that?"

"Your ability to force me to talk about these things is irritating to say the least."

"You've started now. You might as well finish."

"I took him to the door and opened it to let him out. He turned and shook my hand but instead of leaving, he kissed me. We slept together on the sofa. I apologise if you didn't want to hear that but I assumed you wanted to know what happened."

"Why wouldn't I want to hear that?"

"Most people wouldn't want to hear about two men in sexual relations."

"I'm not most people and it really doesn't bother me. It's no different from anyone else talking about sex. How did you feel when you were together?"

"I'm not one for clichés if that's what you're expecting" Severus warned him.

"I don't want clichés. I just want to know how you genuinely felt."

"I didn't feel like myself. I felt like someone else that had the ability to be happy."

"So he made you feel happy?"

"Yes. Very."

"Have you felt like that much before?" Nathaniel froze a little, knowing it was a very personal question and he worried that Severus might think he was being too nosy.

"No I haven't. I can't remember ever feeling that way before" he admitted, really wishing that he could pull himself away from the conversation but part of him didn't want to. He had some compulsion to continue talking, even though he'd always told himself it would never help.

"But what happened afterwards? Why is he still…?" Nathaniel couldn't quite finish the question; a mention of Ginny's name would make Severus angry and there was no other way of asking but his friend seemed to know what he was asking.

"Afterwards, his phone rang. It was… her. I think she must have been asking him to go see her and so he left. The most ironic thing is before she called, he told me it was my Valentine's present. I told him I hated the day and he wanted to know why. Can anyone blame me for not liking it when things like that happen to me?"

"I'm sorry Severus. I really am. Have you heard from him at all?"

"No."

"Why haven't you tried talking to him?"

"I think it's very obvious that he's not interested."

"What makes you say that?"

"He left me. He didn't apologise or contact me after; he just left me there. Why would anyone do that if they were interested in me?"

"Why would anyone let you take their virginity if they weren't interested in you?"

"Stop trying to be logical Nathaniel. He's marrying a woman. He wanted to sleep with a man before it was too late."

"I think he wanted to sleep with you, not just any man."

"What on Earth would make you think that?"

"When he told you that he was gay, he said that he had feelings for someone in particular and he was the one that initiated the kiss, not you."

"That doesn't mean it was me he was interested in."

"What kind of things did he say during your time together?"

Severus thought back on the night in order, trying to remember specific things that Harry had said.

"He said something about it being much better. He said he trusted me and he asked me to be careful with him… nothing about how he felt or anything to suggest he cared about me."

"I need to ask you something. It's really personal but it's important. Please don't be taken aback by my question. If you don't want to answer then that's fine, but just remember I'm asking for a reason."

"Go on." Severus was intrigued about what kind of a question could possibly be a further invasion to his privacy and make him not want to answer. Surely nothing could be as bad as the things he'd already told Nathaniel.

"When you were intimate, did he call you by your name?"

Severus was confused as to why Nathaniel would ask such a question and he didn't know whether to answer or not. He knew the answer of course; the sound of Harry saying his name as he reached orgasm had repeated in his head several times since they had slept together. It haunted him before he went to sleep.

"Yes he did. Why do you ask?"

"Was it just…at the end? Or did he say it during as well?"

"He said it a few times during and at the end. Why do you want to know this?"

"If someone says a person's name during sex, it means that they are only thinking of that person; it means that they feel something. If you don't say a name then it could mean that it's more about sex than emotion."

"What would make you say that?"

"Okay, think of it this way. You must have slept with people that you didn't care for before. Most people have. And you've clearly been with someone you love as well. There are a lot of differences: the way you act with them; how you treat them and whether you make it personal or not."

"How do you know all of this Nathaniel?"

"I don't just study potions" he laughed.

"But even if he did use my name, that doesn't mean he wants to be with me. Saying my name could have just reminded him that he was with a man and made him feel better."

"Why are you so determined to believe that he doesn't care about you? I have told you all of these things that show how he feels and you still won't believe it."

"I've told you before: no one would ever be interested in me. There is nothing to be interested in. He wanted a man and I was there."

"Right, one last question and if the psychology doesn't apply then I will drop it. Is that a deal?"

"It is."

"When you were sleeping together, was he just accepting attention from you or did he give you attention too?"

"That's a very personal question."

"I know and like I said before you don't have to answer but it could help you understand his thinking."

"He didn't do much because I didn't give him the chance but when I tried to conceal myself he wouldn't let me and he said he wanted to see me. He kissed me all over. Is this too much?"

"No it's not. I don't care what you tell me. I have had more detailed conversations than this one, believe me. If he just wanted to be with a man like you say, then he wouldn't have tried to make you feel good about yourself and he wouldn't have cared about touching you. He would have accepted the pleasure."

"You make sense but if he cared then why would he leave and not contact me?"

"Maybe he doesn't realise that you feel something for him. He made the move on you so he might just think that you accepted to get sex."

"I wouldn't do that to him."

"He doesn't know that. You haven't told him how you feel. He probably thinks that you're laughing at him for wanting you. He might have thought that it was a one-off for you. Maybe he's hurting too. There are loads of reasons that he might not have contacted you but it doesn't mean that he doesn't care."

"I suppose you could be correct but how am I supposed to know? What do you suggest?"

"I told you to tell him how you feel and you didn't. Maybe you still should."

"He's engaged."

"He's engaged to a woman and he's gay. I think stopping him would be doing more good than harm, don't you?"

"Perhaps."

"Severus, grow some balls and go get him!"

"It's not about growing balls as you put it. Even if he does care for me, which he doesn't, why would he give up his family and security for me?"

"Because you can make him happy and he can do the same for you. I'm sorry to give you all this soppy stuff that you hate but it's true. Go there now. I mean it. If I find out that you haven't told him, I will tell everyone what a soppy git you are."

"No one would believe you" Severus tested.

"Do you want to risk that?"

"Fair point."

"Go. Now. If he hurts you again, you can hurt me in retaliation."

"I wouldn't ever do that."

"I know that."

"Thank you."

Nathaniel nodded his head in response, as Severus put down his empty beer mug and left the pub, finding his way to Harry's house with his heart pounding in his chest. He was about to make a fool of himself for the last time, one way or another. He was almost certain that Nathaniel was wrong and that Harry didn't care for him but he supposed there was some possibility that something could happen and he held onto that thought. He reached Harry's doorstep once more and this time, he pounded on it and didn't run away. He was an idiot and he knew it but he was an idiot in love and somehow, that didn't seem quite as pathetic as it used to.

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What did everyone think? Please let me know and try not to tell me how shit I am at updating lol. Follow me on twitter or like me on F/B to chat about Snarry. :)

Thanks to Limelight12 for beta reading. :)


	4. I Want Your Love

Was It Wrong To Go Along With Insanity?

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and many of the places mentioned in this story. The plot is the only thing created by me.**

**Part 4:- I want your love**

**Harry**

Shame was the main emotion that he would use to describe himself at that particular moment in time but many others accompanied it. Harry sat alone on his bed with his face buried in his hands, half wishing that he'd sink into it and disappear. He'd gone past any point of turning back and now he had to live with the decision that he'd made, whether it was the right one or not, he still wasn't sure. He raised his head slightly and looked around at his fairly plain bedroom, with a few photo frames and one single quidditch poster. There weren't many decorations at all because that wasn't really his kind of thing, though it was definitely Ginny's. He grimaced at the thought of his room turning into a Pygmy Puff Palace. Ginny was by no means a girly girl but she was very strong-willed and Harry was sure that many of the small decisions in life, such as decorating, would be made by her. He had been too busy thinking about the other effects of the marriage-to-be to even consider things this trivial but he supposed they all added up and would eventually irritate him.

His green eyes soon fell on his bedroom desk, where he often responded to fan-mail that was sent to him. He didn't like being famous; in fact, he would go as far as to say that he hated it but some people needed responses. Hermione had once told him that he gave these people hope and so he shouldn't just ignore them and she had been right. Sometimes, he really felt that he was making a difference to people's lives; if only he could truly be the hero that they thought he was. He wasn't a nice person. He knew that but he wished he could be. Harry didn't want to be the saviour of the Wizarding world but he did want to be someone that people respected, not the cheating low-life that he'd become. He stood up in anger to stuff away the letters on the top into his drawers; he didn't need any reminders about what a disappointment he was.

Mixed in with the fan-mail were letters from the Daily Prophet, Witch Weekly and many others asking him for an exclusive interview about his engagement. He would have happily burst them all into the flames but instead, he tore them into several tiny pieces and threw them into the bin, next to the desk. Using all of his self-control to not continue with his original plan, he stepped away from the remains of the letters and fell, face-flat back onto the bed, fisting the sheets and banging his head into the pillow. He wondered if he might accidentally suffocate himself by doing so but there was no such luck. He buried his head underneath the top pillow and covered his ears with it, as if he was trying to block out the voices in his head and the memories that went with it. It didn't work.

_Ginny gently took him by the hand, a brilliant smile on her face. Her newly-worn engagement ring dug into the side of his finger, as she pulled him up the stairs by his hand. It felt like the longest walk of Harry's life, even though they'd only gone up a few steps. The dread filled his stomach as his footsteps became smaller; he wouldn't even have been moving if it weren't for the gentle tug that was pulling him forwards and upwards. It almost appeared to be in slow motion when the door closed behind them; Harry closed his eyes as he was pulled lightly into his fiancé, who wrapped her arms around him and gently kissed his lips. She blinked a few times, the happiness apparent in her eyes as she stared into the emerald eyes of the man that she loved. Ginny stroked down Harry's sides with both hands in unison in what should have been an arousing manner; the wizard tried to maintain the kiss but soon realised what was to be expected of him._

"_Can you just give me a minute Gin? I need to go to the bathroom."_

"_Don't be long" she responded, giving him one last kiss as he left the room._

_Harry found himself locked in the bathroom, shaking, not allowing himself to shed a tear for what he was about to do. He took a minimised bottle from inside his trouser pocket and brought it back to full size. He felt a stab of guilt, remembering how he had gotten this particular potion, or who he had gotten it from. He took the potion as had been directed by Severus when he gave it to him and hoped for the best, trying not to let himself think about the fact that he was using something to have sex with his fiancé when it was made by the man that he'd cheated on her with. Ignoring his guilt, he stumbled back to his fiancé's bedroom and fumbled with the door knob to get back in._

Harry forced himself back out of the memory and tried to forget it, pushing it to the back of his mind along with pretty much everything else. He tried to focus on something positive but nothing seemed to come to him. He supposed that he needed to redefine what positive meant and despite the fact that he didn't want to continue with the future he'd invented for himself, Harry needed to make plans. He guessed that at some point he would have to respond to one of the letters and do an interview to make everything official. He had decided to propose and to carry on with this life with Ginny and he had to accept that was what he was going to do, rather than dwell on the fact that he didn't want to.

_Ginny lay on the bed in just her underwear; she wore a black lacy bra with a matching thong and looked ready to be pleasured. Harry only hoped he could manage it somehow. Looking at her in her sexiest underwear and ready to do almost anything was the point that Harry knew for sure that he liked men and only men. Anyone else would have quite literally pounced on her but he couldn't bring himself to._

"_Come on, baby. Lay with me."_

_His body complied somehow and he soon found himself sensually undressed, as sensitive parts of his body were caressed. He felt some response to it and remembered that it was all thanks to the potion. Severus' potion. He closed his eyes as he was taken into Ginny's hand and as she pumped him, he tried to allow himself to enjoy it but all he could think about was the fact that he couldn't do this without a stimulant. He soon felt the hand that was pleasuring him retract; he re-opened his eyes to see why and noticed a head full of red hair going down to his cock. When Ginny took it into her mouth, she tried her best to take what she could and succeeded in taking more than half, choosing to pump the rest with her hand. Harry remembered how it felt to have Severus sucking him and the faces that he pulled, making it obvious how much he enjoyed having Harry's cock in his mouth. There were no such facial expressions from his fiancé; she may have wanted to please him but she wasn't enjoying it herself._

_The torture continued and soon enough, it came to the inevitable moment where Harry found himself on top of Ginny and her legs wrapped around his waist. She pulled him inwards with her calves and closed her eyes as he came closer to her. Harry looked down at her breasts, partially concealed by her long red hair, and realised that there was no way of pushing the fact that Ginny was female out of his head. He entered her fast, hoping not to notice too much what he was doing but when the heat and wetness surrounded him, he knew he couldn't make it stop._

_He pushed inside her for a while, as she held the muscles in his back. It didn't take particularly long for her to begin whimpering and squeezing him tight, showing that she was close to climax. When she reached that point, she cried out in ecstasy, calling out his name and riding it out against his still hard cock._

A knock at the door brought him out of those horrible thoughts. He considered ignoring it but the knock was loud and he was intrigued about who would be so desperate to see him. He hadn't long seen the entire Weasley family, including Hermione, so he was sure that it wouldn't be any of them. Anyway, nothing that anyone had to say that was visiting him would make him feel any worse about the situation and in fact they may pose as some form of distraction. He was surprised to find how very wrong but also very right he was.

"Severus?" he asked, surprised.

"Are you going to invite me in or do I have to stand here in the cold?" he responded, his eyes jerking around nervously. Harry couldn't help but notice that the man was acting extremely strangely, despite the fact that he normally hid things well. Something odd was definitely going on. He stepped back from the door and allowed the other wizard to enter, closing the door behind him.

"Would you like a cup of tea or something?"

"After all those years, denying tea laced with various potions from Albus, I would prefer to decline. I'm sure you understand."

"Yes of course. Come in." He allowed Severus into his living room and motioned for him to take a seat, putting some space between them, hoping that he wasn't being too obvious. The older man looked around the room a while before seemingly finding something to focus on rather than look at Harry. The man had spent years making his students feel uncomfortable with intense eye contact and so Harry felt increasingly confused about the way that he was acting.

"So, why are you here?"

"I assume you're not happy to see me then?"

"I didn't say that. I just guessed that you were here for a reason, considering you don't live in the area. I just wondered."

"I need to speak with you about something."

"Go ahead."

Severus opened his mouth to speak, looking around the room almost as if he was expecting some kind of support from the objects lying there.

"I think we need to discuss…" he suddenly broke off, unable to continue.

"What's wrong, Severus?" Harry asked, trying to work out what he had suddenly found interest in by the door.

"Is that the potion I gave you?" Harry looked across and saw that on the small table where he kept his keys, was the potion bottle containing the sexual stimulant and bottle wasn't as full as it had been the last time Severus had seen it.

"Yes it is. Why?"

"Evidently, you needed it then."

"I told you I would. I wouldn't have asked for it if I didn't need it."

"What I mean to say is that you went through with your plan. You proposed to her and slept with her?"

"Yes. You knew that I was supposed to. Why are you so surprised?" Harry couldn't understand what was going on and to be completely honest, the situation was starting to scare him a little bit. Why was Severus even there and why was he acting so strange? He'd seen the man in awful situations before and never did he do more than blink a bit differently.

"If you don't know, then I'm not going to bother."

"Why are you here? You said you needed to talk to me."

"Why haven't you spoken to me since you left my house?" he asked, bringing himself slightly more on track. His eyes had managed to lock onto Harry's now, as if his eyes would tell him more than his words would.

"I didn't think that you'd want to speak to me. I threw myself at you. I thought you'd torment me for the state I was in and the things I said and did. That was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done and I didn't need you to laugh at me for it."

"Now I understand. You're embarrassed by me. You're ashamed for sleeping with me and you want to forget about it. Wouldn't it have been easier to just tell me that rather than ignore me?"

"I'm not embarrassed by you. You're right about me being ashamed but that's only because I cheated on someone. I never thought I would be that person but I was. It had nothing to do with the fact that it was you."

"You didn't answer my other question. Why didn't you speak to me?"

"I didn't know how to act. I haven't done anything like that before. I thought you'd be disgusted to see me so I thought it was best to leave you alone."

"Do you think that I'm so desperate for sex that I would sleep with someone that disgusts me?" Severus appeared to be getting angry now and Harry didn't blame him. What he'd said had come out completely the wrong way; he hadn't meant to sound so offensive.

"You're right and I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to say that you were desperate. I only meant that I didn't see why you'd want to see me again after I embarrassed myself like that. I don't make a habit of practically forcing myself on people."

"You didn't force yourself on me. I more than consented."

"I'm glad."

There were a few seconds of silence before the next words were spoken.

"You hurt me, Harry." It was unlike Severus to admit to something like that and Harry just had to know what he'd done to cause this strong man so much pain. He didn't respond at first and Severus got up from the sofa, turning his back to him; Harry sensed that he wasn't now the only one feeling embarrassed. He got up too and stood behind him.

"I'm sorry. What did I do?"

"You honestly don't know? We slept together and you just left straight after. You didn't even apologise or say anything about what we'd done." Severus had turned back to face the younger wizard, with a hurt expression that didn't suit him.

"I'm so sorry. I thought that you were expecting me to leave after. I didn't think I'd be hurting you. I thought it was what you would have preferred. No awkward conversation afterwards or anything. I didn't realise that you were so sensitive."

"I am human. I do feel things. I try to hide my emotions but that doesn't mean that I don't feel them."

"Why did it hurt you so much?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"No I'm sorry but it isn't. Please explain." He reached out to touch Severus' arm and let it rest there as he waited for a response.

"I was hurt because what happened seemed to mean more to me than it did to you." Harry's confused expression showed that Severus clearly hadn't explained himself clearly enough and he was sure that his ex-teacher was likely to insult his intelligence before continuing but he didn't.

"I love you Harry." He seemed to mean what he said but Harry knew better. Severus may not be the cruel teacher that he once was but he certainly didn't love Harry and whatever he was trying to do, wasn't going to work. The green-eyed man took his arm away from him.

"Do you think that's funny?"

"I wasn't under the impression that I was laughing or showing any other signs of amusement."

"I don't get you. Why would you say something like that?"

"Because I mean it. I love you."

Harry opened his mouth to protest but Severus saw his chance and their lips met in a passionate kiss. It was forceful and it didn't take long for Severus' tongue to find its way into Harry's mouth and his stomach tightened when he earned a moan from the younger man. Harry eagerly responded to the kiss and hands explored upper bodies and after what seemed like a lifetime, Severus pulled away. Harry had tasted alcohol on his tongue and realised that this was the reason for his not-so-Severus behaviour and it was also possibly why he had made a false confession. Severus kissed him gently on the lips for a brief second again.

"I love you."

"You're drunk."

"No I am not."

"I can taste it on you." Harry couldn't help but feel disappointed by the fact that this was all brought on by alcohol. For a moment, however brief, he had honestly believed that Severus had feelings for him.

"I've had one drink. That is all."

"It must have been a bloody strong one then."

"It may have been but it has had no effect on me."

"Don't do this."

Ignoring him, Severus pulled him in for another kiss, exactly the same as before but no matter how many times he kissed him, it felt different each time. He brought Harry in closer to him, as he continued to try to prove his feelings. The younger man was genuinely starting to believe him. The kisses were full of passion and of love and he was certain that Severus wouldn't be able to fake it, even if he was a good spy in the past. He gave into the sensation of being with Severus once more and responded longingly to the kisses that were being more than offered to him. He gasped with lust when Severus' hand found his backside and cupped it lightly as the kiss continued. Harry's hands soon became entangled in a net of long, black hair, as passion overtook him and their bodies suddenly pressed together.

Despite the fact that Harry's body wholly responded to Severus's actions, his mind was working overtime, questioning why this was happening. Before today, he never would have considered that Severus might have feelings for him of any sort, let alone be in love with him. Perhaps he was after another round and thought that it might be the best way to get it to happen. Either way, Harry's body wasn't allowing his concerns or morality to stop him from getting what it wanted. The wizard's entire being screamed out for Severus: his lips not wanting to break from Severus'; his arse begging for a pounding and his cock, desiring its release. The latter began to harden itself against Severus' thigh, causing the older man to moan into Harry's mouth.

Breathlessly, Severus separated his lips from Harry's to latch them onto his throat, his fingers unbuttoning the younger's shirt as he did so, allowing himself access to Harry's shoulders as well as the rest of his neck. Harry felt his shirt pulled from his shoulders with the bottom half of his buttons still done up and holding the apparel onto him. As soon as Severus' tongue found its way across his chest, all self-control and thoughts of his fiancé were gone as the moans escaped him. Harry couldn't help but think how great things could be if Severus' declaration were true and they could do this every day. The feel of another man against him was one unlike anything else and he was pretty certain that if he had to describe it to someone, he wouldn't be able to.

"Severus" he said, pushing the man away from him slightly. He seemed to have assumed the worst, as he looked slightly hurt about being stopped. Harry smiled back at him and took his arm, apparating them both to his bedroom, stumbling slightly when he landed.

"The bedroom? How romantic" Severus teased.

"Appropriate after you telling me you love me isn't it?" he responded, pulling the man back close to his body.

"I'm not feeling very romantic" he whispered, proving so by pushing his erection up against Harry's.

"Don't be too gentle then."

Lips met once more and clothes were thrown across various places in the room, seemingly forgotten, as they were stepped on and not over as they made their way to the bed. The movements were clumsy due to the fact that the two men refused to separate themselves from the other, even though there would be enough time for closeness once they reached their destination. After a few stumbles, Harry's legs hit the back of the bed and the two of them fell onto it together, repositioning themselves once they landed on the bouncy mattress. Severus proceeded to remove the last items of clothing from the both of them so that he could feel Harry's flesh underneath him.

"So beautiful" he whispered to himself, while running his hands along the younger wizard's body. Harry said nothing, unsure as to whether he was supposed to hear that comment but it made him feel happy all the same. He thought back to all the pleasure that he'd received the last time that they'd slept together and was more than excited to feel it all over again. He did, however, feel slightly disappointed about his lack of experience and wished that he could satisfy Severus in the same way.

The black-haired man gave up his dominant position to lie next to the other man on the bed, running one hand along his body as he kissed him again. Harry pulled back from the kiss to give some attention to Severus' nipples and torso, taking the opportunity to look down at his hardness when his eyes closed in arousal. He hadn't paid much attention to what it had looked like last time, only concerning himself with how it felt against him and inside him. Now he looked at it, he felt nervous. He knew what to do but whether he would do it right or not was a different question. Ignoring himself, he realised that the only way to work it out would be to try it.

Harry kissed and nibbled lightly at Severus' neck as he stroked his hands down his body and back up again. He repeated this a few times, as it made his lover moan with pleasure. Once Severus had closed his eyes, expressing comfort and arousal, Harry trailed his hand down further and grasped the man's penis with his fist. A gasp escaped Severus' lips and his eyes shot open as Harry began to pump him. Once he felt more comfortable, he began kissing Severus again, while he continued to stroke; it wasn't as difficult as he'd expected. It was almost the same as doing it to himself so he supposed there were only a few other things that he needed to learn. Every now and then, their kisses were interrupted by Severus' moans; Harry mainly felt them in his throat but sometimes they came louder from his mouth, almost making Harry moan himself.

Becoming gradually more confident and eager to please, Harry stopped touching and kissing and repositioned himself with the upper half of his body between Severus' legs. He eyed Severus' cock, trying not to worry too much about his next move; he now felt more excitement than anything else. He could tell how much Severus had liked pleasuring him with his mouth, as he'd seen it in his eyes the last time and so he hoped he would have just as much fun.

"Harry, you don't have to do that" Severus told him, apparently realising what the younger man was about to do. Harry chose not to answer him and instead licked the head of his lover's cock, circling it a bit first before planning his next move. He was rewarded with a loud moan and Severus pushing his hips forward automatically, his body begging for more attention. Feeling encouraged, Harry licked down the underside, still using just his tongue, remembering how nice it felt when Severus' tongue had done that to him when his cock was in his mouth. He wasn't sure he could multitask like that but he hoped so. Taking a breath, Harry took a little more than the tip in his mouth and sucked, being careful not to let his teeth touch the man's skin. Once he had got used to sucking and moving, Harry tried tonguing underneath with his tongue at the same time, finding it difficult but ignoring that feeling once he realised how much the other man enjoyed it.

"So good" he moaned out softly, in between whimpering. Harry noticed that he was fisting the sheets in his hands, maybe needing something to grab onto. The green-eyed wizard carried on in pretty much the same way until he found himself becoming more able. After a few minutes, he was able to take a bit more of Severus into his mouth, as he cupped his balls at the same time, still trying to use his tongue as much as he could. He supposed there was more than he thought to mastering oral sex. Harry attempted to speed up a bit but was soon pulled off almost harshly, as he was pinned back to the bed again.

"I need to be inside you" Severus growled into his ear, panting.

"I don't have any lube" he admitted, worried that this was going to stop them.

"You're going to need to get some for the future but I can use a spell if you don't object."

"I don't care. I want you." That seemed to be all that Severus needed to hear as he went to find his robes to retrieve his wand. Harry walked up behind him as he bent down to search through his pockets and pressed his erection against him.

"Don't feel neglected. You'll be getting some serious attention." Severus had stood back up with his wand in his hand and pulled Harry back towards the bed.

"Get on your knees." Harry complied, climbing onto the bed, his legs like jelly. He exposed his backside to the room, feeling unembarrassed about the fact that he so desperately needed to feel something. He was soon rewarded with a hard pumping of his penis from Severus, who had slipped his hand around his leg.

"Mmm Severus" he cried out as he was finally allowed pleasure; he had thought that he was going to die from the desire. He was teased for a while before he felt something hot and wet touch his anus for the second time in his life. A very long lick started from the bottom of his ball sack and made its way slowly up to the top of his crack and that was only the start. Severus began pushing his tongue slightly into the ring of muscles before licking it back out again, still slowly stroking Harry's penis as he did so. Harry wished he had the patience to endure the pleasure but he needed more than this right now.

"Fuck me please" he half-demanded, half-begged. That was the moment that his phone chose to start ringing again. He ignored it, not even caring who it was or what they might be calling for.

"Do you need to get that?"

"Not nearly as much as I need this."

The next thing Harry knew, there was a strange, cold feeling in his passage and he knew that Severus had lubricated him with a spell. A finger entered him as the phone silenced itself; the caller had clearly given up. Severus' long finger had entered him and pulled back out a few times before it began ringing again. Harry looked over at it on his side-cabinet but couldn't make out who it was by the picture.

"It's Hermione" Severus informed him, retracting his finger completely, "it might be important."

"I'll get rid of her" Harry promised, kissing Severus passionately before taking the phone. He leant down on the bed, his elbows on the pillow, assuming the same position that he had held previously.

"Hello?" he answered hurriedly.

"Hi Harry. How are you?" Hermione's voice asked him. There was a lot of back-noise and he could only assume that she was out somewhere.

"I'm okay. What's up?"

"I just wondered if I could come over for a bit to chat?"

"Sorry not right now. I'm not too well."

"You just told me that you were okay."

"Yes because I didn't want you to worry." Harry tried to contain himself as he felt a finger re-enter him and was proud when he managed to remain silent.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fiiiine- ahhh!" he near-shouted as his prostate was hit.

"What was that?"

"Sorry. My stomach hurts" he lied, panting slightly.

"I should come and check on you then."

"Hermione, I don't need a healer. I just need to be on my own."

"Okay. I'll talk to you tomorrow then. Bye."

"Bye." As soon as the word was uttered, he slammed the phone down on the side.

"That was risky" he moaned at Severus.

"What a shame."

Harry soon found himself being fucked by multiple fingers, which occasionally touched his prostate, forcing him to moan loudly. He couldn't wait to be filled again; he wasn't even nervous about the pain that he knew he would endure at first. The pleasure was certainly worth it.

Eventually, Severus had pushed the head of his cock against Harry's hole, ready to push forward. He started with the head as he had done before and stopped for only a few seconds before slowly and carefully putting his full length inside Harry and was unable to suppress a moan. The younger wizard tried not to cry out in pain and was biting his lip to stop himself; he was glad that in this position, Severus couldn't see the pain on his face. He soon felt his cock being stroked once more, as the older man remained still inside him. It took time but he was able to begin expressing his pleasure at the feeling once more until he began encouraging Severus to move by pushing backwards. The pain hadn't subsided yet but he knew that the best way to relieve it would be to start feeling the pleasure as soon as he could.

"Ohhh" Severus moaned, as he re-entered Harry for the first time after pulling out. A few pounds later, Harry shouted as his prostate was hit hard and after that, Severus sped up, aiming for the pleasure point. Harry was aware that he was talking but he had no idea what he was saying; his pleasure had taken over his brain and he was completely unaware of his words. He soon became a whimpering mess as his prostate was repeatedly hit and Severus had taken to pumping his cock. Despite having felt this before, Harry still hadn't imagined that it would feel that amazing the second time; it was like experiencing it again for the first time.

Severus appeared to be grunting very loudly as Harry felt him speed up; if he kept that up then he wouldn't last any longer. The pressure against his prostate was almost unbearable and this mixed with the pumping of his cock was having worse effects than the jelly-legs jinx on him.

"Fuck me! I need to cum! Please!" His requests were granted as his most sensitive spot was hit harder and faster; his pleasure built up until he saw stars behind his closed eyes.

"Don't hold back Harry. I'm too close. Let me cum." If the words weren't enough to send him over the edge, the bites on his back were. Suddenly, his body jolted violently, as he screamed out Severus' name, his seed dirtying his sheets. As soon as the name escaped his lips, he heard his own from Severus, as he was filled with hot liquid.

Soon after, the two collapsed on top of the bed, neither bothering to cast any cleaning charms just yet. They lay on their sides, looking at each other breathless. Harry felt a smile forming as he recollected both of their amazing nights together.

* * *

I am being bugged by a persistent plot bunny! I am trying to ignore him but he's jumping around my head, asking me to write his idea! Can't decide!

Hope you liked the chapter. Please let me know what you think and talk to me on FB/twitter under my pen name. :)


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